Guitar Guy

I love guitars. I play the guitar, and I have lots of friends who play the guitar. I think girls that play the guitar are hot, and if they have a voice to match, well, let’s just say that they have a lot going for them. Guitar players vary in their expertise, technique, and style, but they all bring an important hue to the musical canvas of the world. Without guitars we probably wouldn’t have known such great artists as The Beatles, Willie Nelson, or Jimi Hendrix, just to name a few. But there is one that just seems to rub me, and many others, the wrong way. He is known as Guitar Guy.

Now guitar player and guitar guy are not the same. Guitar player might play in a band, with his friends, or all by himself. Guitar guy is different. Why? Well, let’s get to know him a little better.

Guitar guy is the guy who shows up to any social gathering packing his six string. He’ll be the one at the ward party or company picnic sitting in the corner or under a tree somewhere strumming away, hoping that someone will come and ask what he’s playing. He usually doesn’t sing, but when he does, let’s just say that Simon, Paula, and Randy wouldn’t be impressed.

If he shows up to a party without the acoustic in tow, it’s inevitable that somewhere during the course of the night it will come up in a conversation that he plays. And some unsuspecting young lady will undoubtedly point to a guitar in the corner and ask him to play a tune. He will do one of two things: 1) Rush over to the previously unnoticed guitar and proceed to pick out Stairway to Heaven or Sweet Child of Mine or some other song that he can’t remember all the words to. Or 2) Act reluctant secretly hoping that he will be encouraged, and when he is by previously mentioned young lady, he will pick up the guitar, start playing, and not put it down the rest of the night. Before you know it, seemingly reluctant guitar guy has played the whole Eagles anthology, pretty much every Kansas song ever written, and will have thrown in his own rendition of Praise to the Man.

Most people use the guitar as a way to express themselves, relieve stress, or as something to do with other musical friends. Guitar guy uses the guitar primarily to pick up women, and generally without much success. He doesn’t understand that most girls aren’t impressed by the instrumental (read: guitar only) version of Holiday by Weezer or Glycerin by Bush. Maybe he uses this approach because he has a hard time carrying on a normal conversation. Well, if he’d leave the guitar home from the ward party then maybe he’s get a chance to work on his conversation skills.

Guitar guy usually isn’t in a band because if he was he’d be the one taking constant stage dives and 10 minute solos during shows, much like Jack Black’s character in School of Rock. His band mates would kick him out early on because he could never understand why the bass player might need to run through the pre chorus six or seven times in a row so that he can get the lead in right. He’d be the one constantly strumming away oblivious to the fact that the rest of the band is trying to tune up, or discuss the logistics of getting to the next show.

So next time you’re at a party, and you suspect that you might have struck up a conversation with guitar guy, whatever you do, don’t ask him to play you a song. Unless you’re in the mood for an hour or so of really bad classic rock.

(Special thanks to Jim Rome and Scott Hales, and no, neither of them would be considered guitar guy.)