The Characters on the Bus

Throughout this summer I have encountered a wide variety of people while utilizing public transportation. I always knew these people were out there, but I didn’t know there was a place where they all hang out. If the internet is the information superhighway, then the State Street bus is the character superhighway. The other buses that I ride have their share of characters too (the 801 and more recently the 451). I’m not guaranteeing a complete list, nor am I saying that everyone that happens to ride the state street bus falls into one of these character classes. So in the words of Dave Barry, I swear I am not making this up:

The Bus Driver’s Friend – The BDF seems to appear more regularly on the State Street bus. He sits “shotgun” (the seat nearest the front door of the bus) where he has direct and unobstructed access to the driver. If that seat is occupied when BDF boards the bus, he sits opposite that seat (with a partition separating him and the driver) and pouts until the seat is vacated, then he jumps up and maneuvers his butt into the desired spot. I have reason to believe that some of these guys actually have amateur relationships with the driver, but I assume that most of them secretly wish that they themselves could be bus drivers some day. Some can be helpful by doing things like opening the air vents and windows when the air conditioning is broken or nonexistent or adjusting the seats to make room for wheelchairs. Others try to swap “war stories” with the driver.

BDF: “There was one time on the 200 southbound where Steve picked up two wheelchairs and had three bikes inside because the rack was full. You know Steve?” Stated more as a confirmation than a question.

Driver: With eyes on the road, “Yup.”

BDF: “Not to mention it was raining and the first day of school. That bus was like a can of wet sardines.” As opposed to dry sardines?

Driver: “Mm-hm”

BDF: “That guy handled it though. I wasn’t even late for my therapy session.”

Driver: “700 South.”

The Crazy – Crazy is also a common occurrence on the Sate Street bus. Crazy can be a man or a woman and may have any of the following items on his or her person: A fanny pack. A rolling suitcase. A shirt pocket complete with pocket protector and a wide assortment of pens, pencils, and other like-shaped items. Pants pockets bulging with who knows what. A hat, and/or sunglasses purchased at DI.

Crazy will often have a wild look in his eye. He/she will often be unshaven, and not in a rugged Tom Brady way, but an “I shave as often as I shower type of way.” (Which is not very often.) Crazy will make random comments that are unintelligible if audible, and usually to no one in particular. Crazy is the one that no one wants to sit by, not because they’re prejudiced, it just that you never know.


Creepy Guy – CG is a rare, sometimes funny, most of the time scary character. I had heard reports from one girl that I work with that she had been proposed to three times while riding the State Street bus. No doubt it was CG. Just today I had my own encounter, but this was of the non threatening sorts. CG was sitting in the seat in front of mine. As the bus pulled away from a stop he was doing some serious rubbernecking, apparently checking out what I assume was a female. It is worth noting that this guy had thinning, stringy hair, and if he owned a washing machine it must be broken. And I’m not sure if he was missing teeth or had immense gaps, either way he could eat corn on the cob through a chain link fence.

I’m not sure of exactly what he said, but it was something along the lines of “There’s room on the bus for her!” The bus wasn’t very full so for all I know she could have been a woman of large stature. I couldn’t help but laugh quietly at his remarks. Noticing my amusement he then proceeded to tell me of a time he was eating at Red Lobster near Sugarhouse Park and had a great view of the joggers. “They’re better than the food. Why am I paying $30 to eat here when I can go over there and not spend a dime?” I’m not sure if he was saying that he’d rather look at women than eat them or if CG has cannibalistic tendencies.


The Shell Shocked Coed – SSC is one that I encountered on the good ole 801. SSC is what one might call a sweet spirit. Her hair hasn’t seen a comb since she received her Young Womanhood Recognition award and she has no idea what conditioner is. She is oblivious to the existence of makeup and the clothes she wears have been discontinued by the DI. In other words she would be the perfect candidate for one of those makeover shows on TLC.

She is either a recent graduate or currently enrolled at an institution of higher education in Utah County. She has landed a new job as an “administrative assistant” and is having a hard time adjusting to the “non-BYU” atmosphere. Probably because of all of the U of U and Westminster alumni that she now interacts with on a daily basis, or the people drinking Dr. Pepper in the break room.

SSC was most likely homeschooled.