Tough as Nails

Several years ago my family and I found ourselves at my grandparents’ house in Manassa Colorado. That year my grandparents were hosting a reception in their back yard in honor of my cousin’s recent wedding. We were setting up a few collapsible canopies to provide shade while the sun was out. One of the drawbacks to these canopies is that if they aren’t staked down properly, the slightest breeze can turn them into supersized tumbleweeds.

As we were getting everything ready the wind kicked up and true to form the canopies started rolling around the backyard. The decision was made to stow the canopies and the reception went on swimmingly without them.

While we were cleaning things up that night someone noticed some white medical tape on my granddad’s hand. When we asked him what happened he explained that when one of the canopies had started rolling across the yard he reached out to stop it and in the scuffle he received a cut on his hand. When we asked to see the extent of the damage my granddad removed the tape and revealed not the small cut that we were expecting to see, but a gaping hole between his middle and ring fingers.

Not wanting to bother anyone with what he considered a minor scratch, my granddad said that he quietly went into the house, poured hydrogen peroxide into his wound, and taped his fingers together. He then continued on and attended the reception and no one suspected a thing.

I would like each of you to put yourself in his situation. Imagine that you are out doing some sort of work, and you look down and see blood oozing out of a gaping hole in your hand. Would you quietly tend to your wound and resume normal activity? Or would you enter into a state of crazed shock and hyperventilate until someone rushed you to the ER? You think my granddad is tough? In the words of Bachman-Turner Overdrive, “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.”

After a few phone calls we finally got a hold of the local doctor and without hesitation he said that he would meet us at his office. My dad volunteered to drive him there and I opted to tag along. We met Dr. Jackson at the back door of his clinic and he led us into a room where he began prepping for sutures. Since there were no nurses or assistants present my dad took upon himself that role and he performed admirably. Under Dr. Jackson’s instructions my dad gathered materials and supplies for the treatment.

Dr. Jackson began by examining and cleaning the wound. After he confirmed that stitches were indeed necessary local anesthetic was applied with a small syringe. If anyone has been stuck with a needle of any size anywhere in your hand you know how painful it can be, now imagine not only getting shots in your fingers and hand, but inside a deep gash in your hand. My granddad didn’t even flinch.

After letting the anesthetic set in for a few minutes Dr. Jackson began suturing the wound. The cut was severe enough that he had to tie several stitches inside my granddad’s hand. After the doctor had tied two or three of the stitches he suddenly stopped himself and said, “I’m sorry I forgot to ask Cletus, but can you feel that?”

My granddad looked up at him and with his gruff voice simply said “Yeah.”

For whatever reason the anesthetic hadn’t kicked in yet and the doctor had gone to work tying stitches not knowing that my granddad could still feel everything. Meanwhile, my granddad sat there with no complaints, no grimaces on his face, and no squirming in his seat. Not even a calm “Uh doc, I can still feel that.”

The doctor gave him a few more numbing shots and after making sure that his hand was numb proceeded to tie around fifteen stitches total. I always knew that he possessed many great qualities, but from this moment on I knew for a fact that my granddad is tough as nails.

Scottfunkel's Handy Guide to Picture in Picture

Football season is upon us. One of the great things about Saturdays in the fall is the fact that you can roll out of bed, turn on the TV, and be immersed in the glorious institution that is college football for the rest of the day. The game of football has changed dramatically over the years, and so has the way that we, as fans, follow it. Long gone are the days where families and friends would gather around a radio to listen to an audio only broadcast of the event; now we gather ‘round TVs large and small to witness, in full color (and sometimes better than real life high definition), the game that we love.

I recently moved into an apartment that has a big screen TV. It’s not what you’d call state of the art. The picture is not in high definition, and it does not have surround sound capabilities, but it does have one feature that has revolutionized the way I watch sports: Picture in Picture.

For those of you not familiar with this antiquated television feature, picture in picture allows you to display in one corner of your TV screen a video feed from a channel other that the one you are currently watching. You may be thinking, “Scott, picture in picture is so 1990s. Nobody can watch two channels at once. Why would anyone need that?” Let me explain. Anyone with a basic cable or satellite package will attest to the fact that on any given Saturday in the fall there are at least four channels broadcasting a football game. It is impossible to follow the progress of each and every game, but that won’t stop an avid fan of the game from trying. The advent of the remote control has allowed us to change channels in an extremely efficient manner with out leaving the comfort of our couch. TV commercials are a fact of life, and while some see them as an annoyance, others see them as an opportunity to check in on another game. The problem is that nobody except the producer in the broadcast truck knows exactly how long a commercial will last. And all too often when we try to check in on another game we linger too long and end up missing an important play, injury update, or broadcast note. You can check back every few seconds to see if your game is back on, but if you check back too often it’s hard to discern what is happening in the other game. If you don’t check back often enough you end up missing out on the game you are most interested in. It is possible to follow multiple games on a TV without picture in picture, but only if the remote is in the hands of an extremely competent and astute individual. (Author’s note: Marcus Dorsey is the most proficient remote control handler I know. I recall one night at his house when we followed two football games and a basketball game all at the same time. It was an epic display of prowress that I will remember for years.)

The main benefit of Picture in Picture is that you can keep an eye on the commercial break of your game while you check on the scores of other games. You simply put the game you are watching into the smaller screen, and when the commercial break ends, you switch back to your game. Sounds simple right? Well, like any feature intended to improve our lives, in the hands of an inexperienced or uneducated operator, in can prove to be distracting, inefficient, or disastrous. So for those of you who aren’t proven remote control experts, I have developed a few guidelines that I call: Scottfunkel’s Guide to Picture in Picture.

Step 1: Get to know your remote control. It is not only important to know the function of each button on your remote, but also their function. Know the basics like how to change the channel and adjust the volume. Also know which button will bring up the picture in picture screen, how to change the channel in that screen, and the button that will swap the channel in the big picture for the channel in the smaller picture. Not being familiar with your remote control will cause you to fumble around in high pressure situations, causing frustration to your game viewing mates. Such a breakdown in performance can lead to you being stripped of your remote control privileges or worse, a revoking of your man card.

Step 2: Designate a “Primary Game.” This could be the game that your favorite team is playing in, the game that your team’s rival or other upcoming opponent is playing in, or another game of general interest. Also have in mind several “Secondary Games” and the TV channels that they are being aired on. Prioritizing of the games is crucial. If you try to watch them all equally you will end up watching none of them. Pick one to watch, and a few more stay updated on. It’s the best way, trust me.

Step 3: During the pregame show of your Primary Game, bring up the picture in picture and tune the smaller picture to the channel of one of your Secondary Games. This step will help you to avoid wasting the first few commercial breaks trying to find the channels of your Secondary Games.

Step 4: As soon as the channel that is broadcasting your Primary Game goes to commercial bring up the picture in picture. Swap the smaller picture for the larger picture and suddenly you are in a position to gather useful information about your Secondary Game during the commercial break. Putting your Primary Game into the smaller picture will allow you to know exactly when that commercial break is over and, if you are astute, you will be able to swap the pictures back and eliminate the smaller picture without missing a single tidbit of game detail.

Step 5: Repeat steps three and four as often needed.

Here’s wishing that this college football season fulfills all your wildest dreams, and more. Go Cougars!